A Twig In a Hurricane

Holy crap, I endured another of those sleepless nights last night. And the harder I tried to make my mind shut down, the harder it resisted. Naturally, in the dark of a seemingly eternal night, much of the pre-dawn battle for sleep centered on wrestling with demons and the Deity. Yet as I scuffled though the nocturnal skirmish, I wondered why I wasn't drifting off, because the fight was leaving me exhausted.

Suffering in the dark and trying to understand God is often hard work. I felt under attack and in the middle of a storm; or like being a flat bread wafer in an angry giants' hand just before he squeezes it into fine pulverized cracker dust. I want to resist. I don't want to get crushed by life and its troubles. I want to bend and not break.

But sometimes breaking seems so much easier.

So when does this passage ever become less problematic? Experience tells me it doesn't.
Already loaded down with the guilt and baggage of yesterday’s mistakes, apparently I've decided to take on tomorrow's worries, too. But it’s a heavy load. I want to go back and do things over, do them right or at least change the outcome of past failures. It frustrates me that I can't. And trying to gauge what's next is even more perplexing because I'm not always sure if it’s the light at the end of the tunnel I see out there, or just the headlight of the oncoming train.

Every moment in life can be a teachable moment. But its stressful nights like this, when I'm at the point of surrender, that I really get the feeling God's trying to teach me something. But what can it be? Is this a test? A test of faith, or a test of trust? Both or none of the above?  I'm not sure. My faith is on trial all the time and trust doesn't come easy for me; been burned too many times.

So how do I trust a God I cannot see with a plan I do not understand? I don't know, but apparently even if I don't know the plot, the outcome or course of action, above all else He wants me to trust Him anyway. But I don't want to. I know what’s best for me right? Since when?

Hey, when I screw up, I want to “fix” it myself. It gives me something productive to do and keeps me functional. Yet even after my repairs, in most cases I’m still fractured. But not before wasting a lot of time and effort. So what’s the answer?  Goes back to that trust thing, right? Trusting I’m a child of a God who has a plan for my life, who infinitely loves me and to whom I value and matter? 

Nah, it can’t be that. 

I’ve goofed up too much and taken too many missteps to imagine ever graduating to some sort of faith enlightenment. So it can’t be that easy. But what if it is? Maybe it really just comes down to trust and redemption. Trusting He can handle all my burdens and trusting He’s a God of deliverance. Lord knows, I've got plenty of problems to give Him and I’m on about my millionth second chance. So maybe I should just let Him handle the troubles and accept the freedom that comes with it.

Grrr.

It sounds so simple, yet seems so hard.

Grrr.

But about an hour before sunrise, the overnight tribulations sapping me of my rest finally slipped away, and peace descended on me at last. The demons were gone. Sleep came.

I know I'm a late bloomer and nothing for me comes easy. It's always been that way. But I guess that's okay. As a continuing work in progress, I'll continue to approach my salvation with fear and trembling-- and hopefully with lessening doubt and uncertainty.  So even though I felt like that twig in a hurricane all night, I was able to relax and close my eyes. 

And maybe, right now, that's exactly where God wants me.