Angels Among Us

I believe there are angels among us. Not in the literal sense, though. Certainly I've never even imagined seeing the archangel Michael hanging around. But I do believe there are flesh and blood human beings walking the world that God uses every now and then to come along beside you and, for a time, act as the earthly equivalent of an angelic presence. One of these special souls was Kim Clark.

 

Kim I worked together for almost a year at KNCO. I was in programming, she was in sales. A cute, perky thing, out-going and friendly seemed to come to her naturally, and served her well when dealing with clients and the public. But it wasn’t a put-on. She was genuinely likeable, sweet and sociable. Quite the opposite of me.

 

I’d just gone through nearly two years of turmoil trying to hang on to a failed relationship with another young woman, who'd also worked in sales at KNCO, and by my sour outlook in the aftermath should’ve ended all pretense and just worn a sign around my neck stating the obvious: “Unhappy, unloved, and don’t bother me”. 

 

But Kim wasn't there to replace Sally. She wasn’t there to love me, either. She was there to like me. And of all the tools I needed to dig myself out from under the ruins of a crumbled heart, the one I needed most was a friend. Just to get up in the morning and push on, I needed a buddy as much as I needed breakfast and oxygen.

 

However, still buffeted in a vortex of heartache and self-condemnation, the first few months Kim and I shared the same space at KNCO I barely even noticed her. Coming to terms with my former friend's recent marriage to someone not named me- and convinced love was never going to find me again- I just wanted to be left alone. My sole focus was on getting through each 24 hour period, a day at a time. But during one of those randomly hallow days, Kim came to my desk and asked me to work on one of her accounts. Just as it’d been with Sally…which should’ve been a red flag. And from there a friendship blossomed. Just as it’d happened with Sally….which should’ve been a red flag. I should’ve run like hell.

 

To be fair, though, Sally wasn’t my problem; I was my problem. She hadn’t done anything wrong except be honest with me. Sally was the first girl I liked, really liked, since Kelly; and the first once since Kelly who I thought might be special. So I really wanted this spark between us to work. But when it became clear it wasn’t going to, Sally told me so. Not in a mean-spirited or unkind way, she let me down as gently as she could. And then she moved on. I just couldn’t let go.

 

And for almost two full years I chased my tail trying to make something out of nothing. In hindsight, that’s a really hard thing to admit. Only losers do that. And maybe I was a loser. I’d been alone for almost a decade, though, and didn’t want it to be that way anymore. I wanted someone to love; and to be loved. And when Sally finally came along, I thought she was going to be ‘the one’, the first ‘one’ since Kelly. But when she wasn’t and started slipping away, I fought with all I had to hang on. All of course, to no avail.

 

Fast forward to the summer of 1987. My heart was still broken, too scabbed over to notice a new friend, seek new love, or feel anything but sadness. My world was pretty dark. But for whatever reason, work related or otherwise, Kim had suddenly reached out to me and for the first time, in what seemed like forever, I saw a pinprick of sunlight poking through the clouds of depression. First, while collaborating on projects, and then hanging out away from the office, a sweet camaraderie was developing between us. It wasn’t desire, and it wasn’t awkward. But I began to feel a tender closeness with Kim, the type I hadn’t known with anyone of the opposite sex, since college. We became very comfortable with each other.

 

Sometimes we’d be walking and talking and she’d rest a wing on my shoulder, like some of my grade school chums used to do. There were other times, if she ended up standing next to me during group bull sessions at the water cooler, where she’d casually drape an entire arm around as the discussion continued. I wouldn’t know why, but I certainly didn’t move away. It’d been so long since being on the receiving end of an affectionate touch from a friend I’d almost forgotten how pleasant it could be. Why would I distance myself from that? I liked it, and I liked her. Hanging out with Kim was about as sweet as nectar is to a bee.

And I could’ve so easily screwed it up. Still on the rebound and clearly not thinking straight- and not satisfied with our office friendship and working station events together- I decided to ask her out. Like, on a date. Dork! Compounding the problem, I was a dork at a loss for words because, like I was still in eighth grade, I wrote her a note and left it on her car. "Do you want to go out sometime?"  As soon as I did I felt foolish but fought the urge to retrieve it and walked away. By the next morning, feeling foolish had given way to feeling scared to death wondering how Kim would respond. By then, she’d have seen the note and could've crushed me like a bug. Frankly, I fully expected her to.

 

But when she joined me with a group at the coffee machine, she waited till everyone had wandered away, then pulled out the note and smiled. "Yeah, that sounds fun. I'd love to.” She would? I really hadn’t expected a ‘yes’. Acutely aware she could have done a lot better, I expected a simple rejection and quick cancellation of our friendship. She’d surprised me, though.  Yeah, I knew it was probably a sympathy date but I didn't care. I was being allowed to spend some time after hours with my cute friend from work. For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, I didn't feel like an outcast or a leper. I felt human. I felt valued.

 

However, one date became several, including one movie ("The Witches of Eastwick"), four lunches and a mini-golf outing. She also made dinner for me at her house a couple times, too. Actually, it didn't really matter what we did on these "dates". What mattered were the relaxed shared laughter and innocent joy she allowed back into my life. Life was once again fun. I was out with a girl who wasn't embarrassed to be with me and made no bones about liking me. Of course, it also didn't hurt I usually got a nice warm hug as our outings ended. That was nice, too.

 

And in August, after working our first shift together at the KNCO Broadcast Gazebo at Nevada County Fair, Kim and I shared a few wine coolers and rode a few rides before bringing the long day to an end. Always at the Fair only to work, this spontaneous time to hang out together afterwards was a nice way to actually enjoy it for a change. And during our evening in the carnival, as if I’d written the script, we rode the double Ferris wheel and got stuck at the very top. Above the lights of the midway and under the full August moon above, I closed my eyes and made a wish. I wished I could kiss. And, emboldened by the effects of the warm night, the close company and about five wine coolers, I thought I heard a voice in my head say it was okay “Whadda you waitin' for? Go on. Plant one on her, you fool." Fortunately, those words never found their way into the open.

Although secure in the freedom of a cozy friendship that permitted me plenty of play and leeway, why would I risk all that by complicating and messing it up? Though if I slipped and I said out loud what I’d been thinking, Kim would likely let my alcohol-inspired “pass” pass with a good laugh and we'd move on. But why take the chance?  Would the return outweigh any potential loss?  It was a question I wasn't prepared to field. So I was really glad when the ride moved and my feet were back on the ground again.

And the subject of amping up the friendship never came up either, and didn't have to. Besides, that really wasn't what being with Kim was about. Having her as my friend was the high that kept me running the rest of Fair Week, and the rest of the time she and I worked together. However, summer eventually ended and like all good things, my friendship with Kim eventually ran its course too. Several months after the Fair, Kim left KNCO and moved to the Bay Area.

It didn't really hit me till then, too, after she was gone, how much she'd meant to me. That old saying, you don't know what you've got till it's gone, really began to ring true. I missed her terribly, and spent many dark winter days pained by her absence. It was hard going to work. The little bit of sunshine Kim brought into my life there, was gone; permanently doused by her separation. And I missed it. I missed my friend. But spring comes again and the following April word came that Kim was engaged to a fellow she'd met soon after leaving KNCO. It was news that should've plunged me into an even deeper despair. But it didn't. I was truly happy for her.

 

But to understand why, I had to go back to Sally, although after that very platonic summer with Kim I‘d almost forgotten why I’d been so hung up on her in the first place. I remembered why she got to me, but for the first time I understood why. It wasn’t about her.  I wanted Sally- and would’ve done anything to hang on to her (as indicated by two wasted years trying)-because I thought she’d fulfill all my hopes and needs. My ‘love’ had been completely self-centered and, for the first time, I became un-blinded to the misguided fool who believed that’s all that mattered.

 

Although at one time I probably was in love with Sally, more likely I was in love with the fantasy she represented- that she’d fill every emptiness and yearning within me. Of course, it’s unfair and unrealistic to ask that of any human being and expecting otherwise was simply irrational. All good relationships need- actually demand- room to give and take; preferably more give than take. But with Sally, I’d given little and wanted it all. No wonder it failed and when I think back to that time today, it shames me for putting her through it; and sad I’d put myself through it all, too.

 

And while I hadn’t fallen in love with Kim, I did love her. But it wasn’t self-aggrandizing, flawed or idealistic. I loved her simply because she liked me. And in a season of life when I was down and struggling and not sure if giving up wasn’t the best option, her friendship was exactly what I needed. She picked me up and helped move me forward and when I think of her now it’s not a sad recollection at all; but instead a pleasant endearing memory of soft summer nights, wine coolers and a brief interlude of carefree fun when she was my best friend, a long time ago.

 

I knew Kim less than a year, and didn't even receive an invite to her wedding (but that was okay since I hate going to weddings). I haven't heard from her since mid-1988 either, and I'm not sure if we ran into each other today if she'd even remember me. I'm pretty easy to forget. Yet whether she knows it or not, Kim left me better than she found me. And I believe that's the mark of a true friend. Or an angel.