Things Left Unsaid

2011 may have come and gone, but ringing out the old hasn't quite stilled the memory of the stand-out stupid things I did or said in 2010. They still reverberate in my head. Holy crap, sometimes I'm such a doofus. That God continues to let me walk around and breathe is all the more amazing. 

But like a new baby, January comes into the world with all the promise and unlimited potential of all new beginnings; a chance to wipe away the miscues and sins of years past, including the most recent one, and start over fresh. So, once again, the vast clean slate of a brand spankin' new year stretches out in front of me. And here at the cusp of it, I wonder how many bold challenges and soaring triumphs might await me in 2012.

Yet as a committed pessimist, I'm pretty sure a good share of unfortunate bungles and colossal failures are lurking out there, too. My only hope is there'll be less of those and more of the other; less messes to clean up and more victories to celebrate. Although if the years' first 13 days are any indication, the goofs and screw ups have a leg up on the rest of the field. But it’s still early.

However, some goofs and screw ups are easier to put in the past than others. One that still bothers me was the fall out I had a number of years ago with a friend; a friend who hasn't spoken to me since. And when I reflect back on this person and that time, I find the whole thing silly and almost inconceivable because, back then, my buddy and I were tight as brothers. But I was also quite young, less mature and measured than I allege to be now; much more prone to act out and say and do lamentable things in the heat of the moment.

Was there a girl involved?  Isn't there always?  

And though the circumstances surrounding this time aren't important anymore, added up, they worked to erode and eventually undermine and destroy the friendship. At the end, it probably didn't help calling my former pal a liar, either. Yet I always meant to apologize, to make things right. But life kept moving along, phone numbers got changed or lost, other pursuits and other friends all came along, got in the way, and I never got around to it. I always regretted it, though. And as the years have piled up since, I've often found myself wishing, with heart in hand, for a chance to beg my friends' pardon for the things I did or said that finally drove him off...

"...when I got so nuts that you could hardly deal with me anymore, please know I didn't mean to be like that and didn’t mean things to go that way. My heart, almost always in the right place, at that time and place just wasn't.  I still don't understand it. But I know it fractured our friendship and I know I let you down. And I've paid the price for it. Believe me. But I know you did, too. And for that, I'm truly sorry.

But I'm not sorry I knew you. You were a true and loyal friend at a time when I really needed one. I was going through some stuff I wasn't even aware of back then, but you liked and accepted me just as I was, and allowed me into your life anyway no questions asked. For that, I'll always be grateful. And I wouldn't have missed all the fun and laughs we had for anything, either. Those times were the best.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression a few years ago. I tell you this not to excuse my behavior from when you knew me, but because it undoubtedly played a role in how I reacted and related to the world back then.  I'm now more an amiable idiot than the all-too-often a-hole I was in 1977. And I’ve managed to avoid most of the same selfish and stupid mistakes of that time, although I know that doesn't exactly square things between us either. Still, for what it’s worth, you were one of the best friends I ever had. And though I allowed it to end badly, I haven't forgotten about you; that I hope you're well, that your life has turned out well and that, somehow, you've been able to forgive me."

Of course as this New Year begins, only God knows how well my friend is these days or if the opportunity for us to ever speak again will come about. An awful lot of miles, years and water have passed under the bridge between us, and some things really are best left unsaid.  As for me, I'm comfortable knowing I'm not the same screw-up he might still remember me by. Yeah, back then I blew it, but as I embark on this vast uncharted trail called "2012", I've at least figured out one thing- that everybody blows it. And each mistake made, whether an hour or generations ago, is just one more teachable moment; a milepost along the way- a bump, dip, or twisty turn on the learning curve, part of life's algorithm, but not its sum total.

And moving forward, I'm at peace with that.