It's a Wonderful Life

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A lot of people do their best thinking in the shower, the car, while communing in nature....on the toilet. But not me. My clearest and deepest thoughts tend to formulate in the middle of the night. 

In one way this is good because in the dark small hours of the morning, its quiet and these ideas and concepts come in loud and clear. On the other hand, coming at 2:30 in the a.m., they often ruin the rest of a night’s sleep. Case in point, this morning: my brain was wide awake conceptualizing what the world would be like had I never been born.

I had no idea where this was coming from; I'm not George Bailey and his guardian angel, Clarence, wasn't over in the corner waiting to get his wings and I hadn’t even watched that silly movie anytime recently. So I attempted to ‘change the channel', and persuade my mind not to bother; that I’m not important enough to worry about it. As a soul of little consequence, my appearance on the planet, or not, has no bearing on the outcome of human history. Move on.

Didn’t work, though- yesterday was Sunday and I’d been to church, so I knew at least in God's eyes, my soul is of value. So since I still couldn’t get back to sleep I went with the flow and tried to see where this stream of consciousness wanted to go. What would happen if I wasn't here?

My career?  Well, I've had some fun, some highs, some lows; like anybody I suppose. But overall it’s been satisfying. So what?  So, had I not been a jock at KEZC, KGA, KZUN AM & FM, Apple FM, KSPT, KPND and KNCO, then somebody else would’ve. They might even have done a better job. I mean, I was okay. But as a guy on the radio, stacking up my abilities against some of the folks I work with now, it’d be like sending up a Little-Leaguer to pinch hit for Babe Ruth.

Gee, thank you subconscious.  Thanks for that happy little little look back on my body of work. That was fun. I suck. Now, can we move on?

No. My mind moved on to examining what I do now. Continuity and Traffic Specialist at K-love Air 1 Radio; Christian radio. What is continuity? Following the programming work flow; the paper or electronic trail from work order, to the logs, to the on air machines. What is traffic? Besides having nothing to do with cars on the freeway, it’s scheduling to the logs what comes out of continuity and keeping us FCC compliant.

As a jock (well, former jock), it’s work I never thought I'd be doing when I first got into broadcasting- 8 hours of rather robotic, uncreative, unfulfilling tasks that, in the grand scheme, probably aren’t making much of a difference to anybody, or winning a single lost soul to Christ. Thinking deeper into the  night, I found my day job insignificant; being such a small cog in the big picture, God’s picture, I worried, that at the end of my days the duties I did will have done nothing to advance the kingdom or adequately serve my God. I'll have failed. Then where will I be? What’ll happen then? I felt my eyes water and wanted to go someplace else. Or at least, back to sleep.

But then I thought about the people in my life. No, let’s not. Please don’t go there. I wasn't in control, though, so I thought about Mom. How I failed to live up to what she wanted me to be. How I caused her so much pain. I blew it. I thought about my brothers and sister. Have I been the best sibling to them over time? Hell no. I’ve been petulant, free spirited, independent, and often didn't give a damn. I blew it. Same with folks I called friends. I've often been a lousy friend, and at times am amazed I have any at all.

I’ve blown it

Next I thought about my wife and how much better her life would be had I not been here. Our marriage is pretty good, but I am a hand full to live with and, as a human being, quite flawed. Hardly a story book husband, I just wonder if she'd be happier had she met and married someone else. I don't think about that all the time. In the middle of the night though, I guess I do. It comes up a lot.

The film strip in my head flash ahead, and moments of my life flashed in front of me. There were valleys of deep wounds running deep inside, some that aren't yet healed. I ached. I also saw the scars inflicted and left behind on the lives I'd intersected with too. I ached for them. Both scenes made me sad.  Then I remembered why I was wide awake and the general theme of this nightmare- contemplating a world I’d never been born into. I liked the idea. I'd have escaped all that misery- my own and those, who by chance or accident, found their lives entwined with me. 

Just send me back, marked ‘defective’, and call it a day. Or night.

I wanted to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to dwell any more on whether the world would’ve, could’ve, should’ve been better, with or without me. It was depressing. All the variables were breaking my brain and keeping me wide awake on a night I felt was never going to end. It all seemed hopeless. The darkness tends to do that; but in those last few moments before the dawn came and crowded it out, the light went on.

As hard as it is to keep going sometimes- or even when it’s easy- one fact remains: I'm here. I’m not a mistake. That I’m upright and breathing at this moment and time in history is not by random chance. My life isn’t an accident. There is a reason and a purpose for my being, and though I struggle and occasionally lose sleep trying to figure out what it is I remain part of the plan. A plan for today, and all the days going forward. God’s plan.

The first rays of sunlight relaxed the grip of night and, with fear and trembling, I arose to wrestle with my faith again. As a believer though, this isn't a unique concept. I believe it's a challenge everybody faces.

I just think I'd do it a lot better with a little more sleep.